Frosty the Snowman is a Terrifying Tale

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(The only picture I’ve ever taken that encompasses both “spooky” and “snow.”)

Yes, that blog title is a bit of a mouthful, but I couldn’t think of a more concise way to get my point across. (Typical of me, eh?) There’s a radio station in my area that spends December playing nothing but Christmas music. It must drive the DJs crazy. But sometimes I’ll switch it on in the car, because the songs are good for perking up my mood a little sometimes. It seems as though every year I realize a different song has serious underlying issues in the subject material. This year that song is “Frosty the Snowman.”

If this blog post were an essay for one of my Literature classes back in college my thesis statement would be, “Frosty the Snowman is a harrowing tale of witchcraft and death, surely resulting in serious mental trauma for the children involved.”

Over dramatic, you say? I’m from New Jersey. I don’t know any other way to be. Lemme break this shit down for you.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.

We start off innocently enough, if we disregard the awful grammar construction. A snowman! Hooray! Everything’s going well.

Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children know how he came to life one day.

HOLD THE FUCK UP. Last I checked, snowmen weren’t supposed to come to life. The second verse and already everything is frighteningly off. Most wonderful time of the year? I think not.

There must have been some magic in that old top hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head he began to dance around.

I’ve watched enough Supernatural episodes to know what’s going on here. Clearly Old Frosty’s top hat belonged to some guy who was so attached to his damn hat that when he died his spirit stayed attached to it. So of course there’s dancing when the hat is placed upon the snowman; the spirit has been given a corporal form and can now move around as he pleases.

O, Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh and play just the same as you and me.

These are some stupid children. If my snowman came to life, I would run the fuck away. Even when I was still a dumb curious child myself. Although I guess I was a particularly well-read child, so I suppose I might’ve read something that taught me to know better than to just chill out with possessed snowmen.

Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day.
So he said, “Let’s run and we’ll have some fun now before I melt away.”

Here Frosty is telling the children about his imminent death in the hope of eliciting sympathy so he can convince one of them to allow him to take over their more stable, permanent form.

Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all around the square saying “Catch me if you can.”

The broomstick is an obvious allusion to the ritual that Frosty will have to do if one of the children is willing to give up their body as a vessel for Frosty. He’s running around playing tag with the children so as not to lose their interest — once he collects the other materials for the ritual he will lead them out of town under the premise of playing tag.

He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler “Stop!”

The cop knows what’s up. He sees the alarmingly alive snowman and steps in to save the stupid children. Frosty hesitates now that the law is involved.

Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way.
But he waved goodbye saying, “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again some day”

Caught in this scheme, Frosty is forced to flee the town and accept his demise. But there is also an obvious threat here. It is unclear who Frosty is promising to haunt (the current children? the police? future children stupid enough to put some gross hat they found on the ground onto a snowman?) but it is clear he doesn’t intend to just leave well enough alone and pass on to the other side. Frosty the Snowman will return to wreck havoc once again. Beware.

Those poor children have had quite a day. They think they’ve been having a good time, but sometime they’ll realize that something was a bit off. They accidentally made a new friend who was the product of dark forces, and sure he was friendly to them, but what kind of new friend makes you constantly chase them? And then he fucking died? What?

Thumpity, thump, thump; thumpity, thump, thump.
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpity, thump, thump; humpity, thump, thump.
Over the hills of snow.

I honestly don’t even wanna know what the fuck this bit is about. No thanks. I want nothing to do with Frosty’s thumping. I’m good.

(Merry Christmas, everyone!)

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